Too young

I feel I need to make one last post today in tribute to a friend or rather acquaintance who for the purposes of this blog shall be called Paul.

Paul was only 32 years old, but died last Thursday, the 14th October 2010, of a Heroin overdose. It was his funeral today.

I decided not to go.

Not because of the connection we had 'through drugs and addiction' as I truly believe that on the day of a funeral whether you are good,evil,thief, or Samaritan the day is about the deceased and no one else. We are all human beings in our humblest forms what ever our wrongs on a day like this. However I didn't feel I knew him well enough outside of our illicit vocation to warrant me going. Instead my tribute will be here.

Times like this remind us of our fragile mortality. It makes me shudder to think of the way he died. It's not so much the 'way' he died as I should imagine dying from a strong pain killer would be painless and peaceful. Like falling into a deep sleep. It's the way your last act on this earth will always be remembered that bothers me. The lad who was a junkie, the lad who's promiscuity caught up with him. No matter what other good things he did in his short life, there will always be the moral astronauts high up on their pedestals wagging the 'I told you so' finger.

I'm sure there will be people thinking people like Paul deserve their death, you live by the sword you die by the sword. He was, after all, an adult and you make decisions perfectly concious of the possible outcomes. No one forces you. No one ever forced me.

The image of 'dealers' peddling to school kids is an urban myth, this would never happen. The myth of drugs being cut with glass or arsenic is also an urban myth fabricated by the tabloids to add dramatic effect. Most dealers deal to fund their habits, they wouldn't last long in business if this was the case. 90% of their clientèle are known to them personally, this wouldn't bode well for repeat custom.

Paul's mum found him. I feel for her. She's not to blame. He wasn't a bad person. Drug taking isn't always a terrible thing. It's dangerous and can make people do reckless things but like most things that are 'bad' for us, is harmless in moderation. Moderation is the key. Rest in peace Paul. God Bless.

£200 for the snip anyone?

I've been interested to read, and see some of the reactions surrounding 'Barbara Harris' (pictured) from the US's campaign to pay people suffering with addiction £200 cash to under go 'long term birth control'.
The story goes that after adopting children from parents with addiction, and seeing the scars left behind, she thought to herself 'why are we letting this happen?', 'why are we letting parents not fit to raise children have children?'.
So off she trotted on a one woman mission funded by a 'secret benefactor' offering cash for sterilisation.

Project Prevention has now reached the UK.

I do agree that in some cases children do suffer due to parents recklessness, and have witnessed first hand a fundamental lack of care given by some parents suffering with addiction. Addiction is a selfish past time and has no time for others even, it would seem, ones children. Even so, this is a vast generalisation, and how dare someone have the right to decide who is fit to have children or not, regardless of the parents afflictions.

Children suffer at the hands of bad parenting for differing reasons, drink, violence, cruelty, mental health etc. I know one addict who has bought up her seventeen year old daughter all on her own, the child has never suffered or gone with out and is now doing well at college and plans to go to university, I know for a fact she would not have been better off with the father who is not an addict of any kind, but lacks the fundamental ingredients of love and selflessness needed to bring up a child. The child wouldn't change her upbringing for the world.

Who says that people can't reform? This woman's view seems to be once an addict always an addict.
I've always found the lack of use of contraception between casual partners is nothing short of unforgivable, and this goes mainly for drunk one night stands than with other illegal drugs, yet this seems to be alright? If the child is born by mistake as the result of a fumble between two consenting fourteen year old's, fine. Bring drugs into the equation? NO WAY!

Offering money to the vulnerable, desperate and needy to stop them producing and passing on their genes? They may consent now, but what happens when in five years time they are clean and in a stable relationship and want to start a family? They may not be so forgiving then. Will this be their own fault? The result of there own addiction fuelled greed for money? I suppose so. Fuck them. One less future junkie to ignore.

This is generalisation in the extreme, what next? sterilising smokers? Muslims? homosexuals? poor people?

I can not believe reading comments on the web that people are behind and encourage this, she has sterilised 3000 people in the US, but fuck it they are only junkies who cares. That is someone's sister, brother, son, daughter.  I wonder who's behind this....the good old Christians? She says not, but if in doubt blame the Christians that's my motto...x

http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2010/jun/12/barbara-harris-sterilise-drug-addicts-alcoholics

(As always your thoughts welcome)

The Story so Far....

It began with a 'normal' progression through teenage pharmaceutical experimentation, Cider - Weed - Speed - Ecstacy - Cocaine, all on a purely recreational basis, that continued through college and into University.

This experimentation and search for self destruction gradually and 'stereotypically' progressed onto the most taboo and least understood of illegal highs.

Heroin.

At first it became a secret act between a couple of friends who would obtain some from a friend of a friend and sneak off, excited in the knowledge we were trying something so hated, revered and mystical that the intrigue in doing so was unbearable. The use was purely recreational and the anticipation and excitement that went with this, bought the few of us who 'experimented' with this Queen of the highs together into a secret 'club' and/or pact. It's ability to isolate had already begun.

All was well and the use was very sparse.

Once, maybe twice a year.

When I finished my degree high in student debt, things didn't go quite as I had anticipated. I didn't have the funds to follow my fellow students to the bright lights of the big city, so I moved home to my small little market town here in the UK. The idea was to earn some money and follow on in the Autumn.

After three years of companionship and ambition, I was suddenly alone and depressed. I turned to the one thing that reminded me of friendship and togetherness.

Heroin.

It started as it had before, recreationally.

Then I began to push my luck.

I pushed my luck, bit by bit, using day after day. Every day that I woke up without withdrawal symptoms the more I tried my luck. Unlike how some would have you believe this process of addiction  took several weeks, in order to develop any habit or routine the act has to be repeated, at least twice.

Eventually reality began to creep in. I began to think what I'd do if I felt ill and began to withdraw. 'I'm a big boy, I can handle it' I thought. 'I'm not a junkie, When I begin to feel ill I'll stop'. 'It can't be that bad, can it?'. As if the illness that came with the craving would somehow warn me, start off slowly, go easy, so as to welcome me into it's exclusive club gently.

I was after all a newcomer.

Eventually and inevitably it hit and I was not prepared. Naivety became my foe.

In the beginning it had only just began it's grip. I still had money so the self medication was no problem. Gradually though, as it sapped my resources, smoking turned to injecting. For purely 'economic' reasons of course.

I had to contact a treatment centre, gain a key worker in order to get treatment. Get a prescription to fill in the gaps when money was a problem, so I didn't have to go down the route of thieving or crime.

Addiction bred deception and a web of deceit was spun on a regular basis to protect the people I loved, and to allow me to get what I want.

Six years have passed and my morals have been knocked down like dominoes, although I know my conscience is clear, partly due to a good family, I haven't had to resort to 'career' crime or the usual unpleasant practices to pay for my addiction. However I understand why people do.

I am writing this blog because although my ultimate aim is to become clean and I will share this accordingly, that is not the blogs focus.

During the last six years I have had the opportunity to meet some of the most interesting, and colourful characters that have opened my mind and perceptions in a way I would not swap for the world. These experiences I would love to share.

Little is known about this seedy underworld apart from the generalisation created by the media and society of, tramps, shop lifting, and benefit scroungers. This is painted by people scared of the truth. Much in the same way mental health was misunderstood 100 years ago.

I plan to show you that, yes, there are bad people, but they are bad 'in-spite', not always 'because' of the drug, and there are a lot of good people too who are just trying to find there way, products of there upbringing, or unpleasant past. What ever happens, this will be a diary/blog covering many topics however they come about, not just about drugs but about life, I hope you enjoy the ride....

Chucky