The Lament of 'Danny Mac'

A friend of mine was watching a programme on Channel 4 (UK) the other night, called 'Coppers' about the prison and probation system.

It focused on the problems of over crowding the prison system in the UK faces today, and the problems prison staff face on a daily basis. It displayed the familiar characteristics, background and traits of an average career criminal today. It also attempted to show and questioning why so many prisoners ,are ,or will go on to, repeat offend.

Many of the inmates have been in and out of the prison 'system' for most of their lives. The programme even showed the shockingly young age at which people begin offending, by displaying mugshots of them when they were 8 or 9 years old, having committed their first offence, and then as a comparison showed their mugshot now, after being caught for the umpteenth time. It's unbelievable.

One of the guys they followed was released on a Monday, re-arrested that evening and was back in custody by Tuesday.

They showed prisoners attempting to fake epileptic fits, or diabetic comas while being processed at the police station, so they get to go to hospital, just to get away from their cell, where they know they can get away with having a cigarette. Smoking is banned at the police station. The police know they are pulling a fast one. They have seen it time and time again, sometimes with the same guys, even knowing their medical records. However the prisoners know the police have to follow procedure because of, good old, 'health and safety' and that 'classic', wait for it, 'human rights'. So they blatantly abuse, and manipulate the rules, in order to gain an advantage, of some, of any, kind. There-by showing a total disregard for structure, rules and discipline, the same disregard that got them in the 10 x 8 foot prison cell cell in the first place.

This then begs the question, rather than go through the whole procedure of escorting them to the hospital with what is a known scam and piss take, which costs the NHS an ambulance and two paramedics, plus doctors and nurses, and the police service two officers to escort them there. Why not, and this is a wild stab in the dark here, why not just let them have a fag at the station?

Because that would be too fucking easy.

Absolutely fucking ludicrous!

However the documentary was an interesting and sometimes sad, and harrowing look into the prison system, and the backgrounds of the people who are it's constant tenants and the people who work there daily.

One such repeat offender was called, 'Danny Mac'.

This is not a joke.

He, like many of the documentaries subjects, had been in and out of the prison system all his adolescent and adult life.

After throwing a fit after learning he was going to be remanded, after having recently being released, he fronts up to the camera, with his faux street attitude, and lets us hear a recitle of a 'poem/rap' he has written.

It was so, unknowingly, and oblivious to him, witty, poetic, and sharp, and at the same time savage, bitter, and vicious, that my friend had to re-watch the episode three times (they don't have sky plus) on the plus one channels, just to write down by hand the lyrics to show me. I loved it, and thought it apt for here. It's written to his beloved prison guards, with whom he has built up a beautiful rapport...

...If only you could hear the irony in my voice as I write this. Here it is for you, I don't know what it's called so I've made up the title, but think it fitting. Enjoy.:

'Danny Mac's Rap'

Let me out this fucking dump,

I've had a fucking nuff,

It stinks of piss, the food is shit,

Especially that fucking 'duff'.

The screws they're just a bunch of nobs,
They drive me round the twist,
And if I find out where they live,
They'll taste my fucking fist.

Your such a bunch of soppy cunts,

Go get yourself a life,

Best you fuck off home mate,

The milkman's on your wife.

You got kicked out of the army,

And bullied when at school,

Then you have the front to look at me,

Like I'm the fucking fool.

Your wife gets banged around the pub,

She comes home with the pox,
I bet you fucking take your kids,

To school in a sweat-box.

Get this in your ugly head,
My name is Danny Mac,
And if I find out where you live

I'll get your kids on smack,

So when they come back clucking,

And they are living life a doss,

I'll take them up to London,
Sell their arses at Kings Cross,

So who's the mug, me or you?

My name is Danny Mac.

Sleep tight mate, your okay,

Because Danny's got your back.

Although unpleasant in places, it did make me laugh. 

"At least he's putting his prison time to good use, and isn't at all bitter.", I thought.

PS: I changed the last verse because I felt it finished it off a lot better.