Hepatitis C is a disease that not a lot of people are aware of, but with statistics of 300-400 million people infected world wide, it's something that needs to be talked about, known about. Not just have it sidelined, attributed to us junkies with our dirty little habits, using us as a nice distraction.
I'll be honest, I thought that, and I am one. Thought I was cleaner, and better than that. Cleverer than that. How narrow minded and stupid am I? I'm learning the hard way unfortunately, that diseases/viruses/illnesses don't discriminate.
However I'm ready now to fight this.
I feel one hundred times better now the diagnosis has been done officially. I'd kept it to myself for two weeks so as not to worry anyone, because there was a 20% chance my immune system had cleared it itself. Even though the odds were well and truly stacked against me on that one, it's funny how we will cling to the tiniest bit of hope. I suppose you have to.
But it was that hope that was making me anxious. I felt like I did when going for my driving test. You know, when you wait for your result at the end? Would it be total and utter elation and relief? or complete disappointment and despair? Unfortunately the latter.
That's life though, and even if there was a 5% chance of getting rid of this I've got to fight it. For everyone who cares about me, as well as myself.
It's good to communicate my feelings at last. When I first told my mum, it hit me. Two weeks, perhaps more of bottled up anger, frustration, fear and emotion. Upset partly because she was upset, but partly because of pity for myself. How pathetic is that? But I don't care how careless and self destructive you are, no one deserves this. The self destructiveness is an issue and problem in itself, it's not a 'fuck you' to society as people think. It's more than likely, and in my case the opposite, crying out for some love.
Its comforting and inspirational to be able to read various stories, and mountains of information on the internet. The success of others, the wonderful drug trials. This virus is a relatively new field for medicine, it was only acknowledged in 1989, only 20 years ago, and the treatment they have available now, let alone in the future, is astonishing. I have got to be positive.
What did we do before the internet? Information and answers were so much harder to obtain. How scary would that be when dealing with something like this? We take for granted so much the sheer quantity and quality of the information available at the click of a button. It's absolutely incredible. It's helped me enormously. Education is the prevention and cure to everything, I think.
When faced with adversity, it's incredible how apt the brain is at dumbing things down and censoring the enormity and impact of things. Allowing you to cope. I keep laughing it off, making jokes out of it, taking the piss. Even with the doctor, which helps. I don't think the seriousness of the consequences will ever set in until you experience the full effects of whatever it is your dealing with. It was the same at the beginning of my addiction, I never ever acknowledged how destructive and dangerous it was. Maybe at times it does sink in, but never consistently. This must stop you going mad I believe, and is an amazing coping mechanism really.
Your mind can't imagine pain, or suffering. It can, but its difficult. I find it hard to recall what a rattle feels like, how bad it actually is. Until it rears its ugly, aching head again. That's why many people relapse. Even though the withdrawal was painful, and awful. Even though they can remember that much. The level of it, the difficulty of it, gets dumbed down and is hard to recall, making people think it was easier than it was. That they can do it again no problem. Why do you think women go back to having children again and again? Because a chemical is released to help them forget the pain and enormity of it. Else the population would decrease, and eventually we would cease to exist. Or all men would be kicked in the balls on a daily basis.
Like I said yesterday, this helps. Writing things down. I don't want this to become a medical journal though. As I said yesterday, this was never its purpose or aim. This is just one of the crazy things that's happened, so down it goes. As time goes on I'm sure you will be informed of many more ups and downs, amongst many other stupid, crazy, laughable, sad, and funny things and people that will be experienced and met along my way.
The doctor has asked me to stop injecting. I have only used needles for four years so the damage to myself is not to bad. The doctor said he's seen horrific arms and legs on such young people. It's crazy for you to understand, but that is the scale of desperation we are talking and the level of fixation on this drug. I do think he's right though, its best to stop now. Because of this, and before I end up with hideous arms and legs.
"Take this as a warning." he said.
He's right too. It's just going to be tough to readjust my tolerance. Normal people think a jolt like this news would definitely be enough to force anyone to quit. No question. But I know people who have lost legs and still not given up. That is the magnitude of the problem we're dealing with. Yes, it's self inflicted, but that's irrelevant. No-one asked for the sheer difficulty of the withdrawal both mentally and physically.
"Just stop." people say. And it seems such an obvious easy solution too, when your on the outside looking in.
I know, because before all this I thought exactly the same way. If only it were that easy?
The way this drug heroin is portrayed, is as dirty, boring, not enjoyable, horrible, dark, evil, and unsociable. As opposed to the 'other' illegal drugs that are portrayed as fun, uplifting, sociable, funny, cool, and although all drugs are dangerous, there is definitely a difference in social standing and tolerance. It pisses me off though, because heroin IS nice. That is why people do it. Not because its fucking horrible, as people would suggest. You see 'there is the rub', it's too damn fucking nice. Unlike alcohol, heroin in its purest form (before cutting and additives by criminals are implemented to increase value), apart from the addiction side of things, and the WAY you take it (smoke/inhale/inject), heroin actually has no long term effects on the body eg; memory loss, liver failure. So in that sense it is safe. If you drank for 40 years your liver would fail, if you took heroin in a controlled manner and safely nothing...
Apart from the effects from HOW you took it. Although controversial, I'm not advocating its use, although the control and prescribing of it would reduce crime ten fold, I'm talking long term effects here, not overdoses, as that is irrelevant. You can overdose on paracetamol if you wanted. Overdoses happen because of the implications of mixing (alcohol/barbiturates) with heroin or the combination of abstinence and/or unknown purity. This could all be avoided with controlled prescribing.
Heroin after all is medically diamorphine. The drug prescribed to cancer, and other patients with life limiting illnesses in order to alleviate pain. Heroin is the street (cut) term. Diamorphine is the medical (pure) term. The risk of addiction, you see, is irrelevant in life limited patients. Everything bad is fine if used in moderation. Moderation is the key. We're adults can't we make our own choices? Why make everything difficult? Painful? Why constantly try to protect us from feeling nice? Making up our own minds? Because the problems this self-righteousness causes, pisses me off.
I truly believe where drugs are concerned, society and its lack of education and naivety are the biggest problems, and are their own worst enemies. I'm not being defensive here, I don't advocate the use of drugs illegally at all, really I don't. I can't cope with the problems I've got never mind wishing it on the next person or another child. I just feel if controlled and prescribed, instead of wasting money scaremongering teenagers and parents/old people with misinformation and lies, it would be so, so much safer to prescribe it in a controlled manner. The money would go away from the underworld and the funding of other crime and into useful society building projects, and healthcare. It would also allow a lot of people to be set free from the ritual of illness followed by the meeting of a man in a house or on a street corner and being controlled by brown/white powder, pharmacists, key workers and the system. Methadone obviously doesn't work. It's addictive too and that's ok when prescribed. So what's illegal about heroin if it's not the addiction, if its the fact it's cut with who knows what, surely it wouldn't be if controlled? The fact it makes you feel nice? Didn't know it's illegal to feel good?
My point is it's not going to go away, so why not help protect and educate the vulnerable people who are going to end up using it regardless of crap biased PSHE (Physical and Social Education) talks by a policeman who's never even done caffeine let alone experienced illegal drugs, so has no idea what he's talking about. Surely this would be better than wasting money putting petty criminals behind bars, and kicking down dealers doors for the sake of a gram? It would help stop people ever having to go through what I am now.
It just seems so irresponsible and ignorant it's untrue.
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