Petrol Station

Went to work this morning and had to get up in order to leave at 7.15am to arrive at 8.15am.

How come any other day of the week I would happily sleep for England? But not today. 'Ping' eyes shoot open at 5am and refuse to close again.

I had something on my mind though.

I had no petrol to get to work.

I don't get paid till Friday, yet need money to get to work, it's a catch 22. I could have asked my parents but hate having to go through the row and suspicion that a known addict asking for money naturally brings.

I suffer frequently from the ostrich syndrome. I knew all yesterday I couldn't afford to get to work, yet buried my head in the sand hoping that something would invariably turn up to sort it out. As if £30 would just drop from the sky. In reality I was just buying time.

No matter, this still weighed on my conscience, making for a very restless night.

"I have to get to work" I kept thinking, over and over.

In the end I decided that rather than dent pride by asking for help, I'd go to the petrol station, fill up with enough for today and tomorrow, go to pay (fully aware there was insufficient funds to cover it) then play ignorant, pretending the card doesn't work. Give them my details, and promptly avoid for two days until Friday. This may not be the morally correct thing to do but I was backed into a corner.

I was going to pay eventually, I would never just drive off.

However, the anxiety and thought of the embarrassment of having to do this, in a petrol station full of people made me feel sick. How stupid that out of all my options this seemed to be the most rational?

That's lack of sleep, and desperation for you. After all, "What is the worst that could honestly happen?" I thought, nervously.

In the end, after delaying the inevitable with two bowls of Sugar Puffs and three cigarettes, I just built up the courage and went for it. Get it out the way, I reasoned.

Its funny how situations are never as bad as you envisage them to be. The guy behind the counter was really kind and forgiving, took my details no with no hassle, and as a bonus the petrol station was empty.

Result.

I get to work to earn some money for two days, and they get their money. Eventually.

Everyone's a winner. They are a massive cooperation anyway, it won't hurt them too much, I'm sure.

Next problem, getting enough money to score....It never seems to stop.

The amount of money I have managed to accumulate out of thin air when I have had to is incredible. We're talking tens of thousands of pounds. My doctor often says "Think of all that money you could of had, if you hadn't used.".

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

But Would I really have 'had' that money if it wasn't for the craving and incessant desperation to self medicate?

I don't think so.

What I do know however, is that if every heroin addict was able to use this same cunning, and business acumen to more positive value, they would be very successful, and rich, with a pedigree that most huge businesses would want to utilise. If only it were that easy, eh?